I think there is a part of me that feels returning to Arizona is the easy path to take, that I am chickening out, so to speak, on something that takes much more courage.
But then I remember how incredibly difficult it was for me the last time I left AZ and returned. I had expected to come back, for every single person to be overjoyed at my arrival, for it to be an easy transition because it was home, and for nothing to have changed.
It turned out to be one of the hardest transitions of my life. Everything had changed…. including myself.
When I return to AZ, I know there will be much joy, reuniting with good friends, fellowship with my church, being in my home state, but I am afraid I will face much: loss, change, and adjustment.
I will return to Arizona without a home, without my parents, and without a stable job. I will return to a church in transition and a bible study group debating between dissolving or not. I will return to a ministry, already begun and deep into friendships with others. I will return without the ability to volunteer at my 2nd home with my favorite people: zoo teens.
That’s what sparked all of this actually. Seeing pictures of orientation at the zoo, familiar and new faces…. it kind of hurt. How I wish more than anything I could work there, whether as a volunteer or an employee. It’s not easy to be replaced either. Others have taken my position and the will do marvelous. There’s an ache seeing life move on without you.
And all I can really do is remember. Remember to praise the Lord for what He has given me. Just a Winnie the Pooh said, “Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened.” But, especially, I just remember that God is in control. If His plan included my being at the Phoenix Zoo, I’d be there. Yet here I am, in the midst of mystery, on the edge of a precipice. My confidence in my Lord’s plan is what allows me to look behind me and praise Him, as well as step off the ledge in front of me, trusting His everlasting arms to catch me in some way, at some time, that I really have no right to know.