I’ve never thought myself a prideful person. Sure, I have my moments of confidence and pride; proud of a story I wrote, proud of my kindness towards others, but if someone had asked me whether I have a pride problem, I would have said no.
As usual, the Lord revealed huge things to me while I was in a new environment. He showed me that one of my greatest desires and motivators is to be special. I want desperately to stand out, to be seen as important and special in some way. I want to be remembered.
The unfortunate thing is, the Bible does speak about being set apart, chosen, alien, different, and church people always talk about how someone will come up to them and say, “There’s something different about you.”
I found myself, at my job back in Colorado, wanting my coworkers and teen volunteers to see something in me; kindness, love, hilarity, anything that made me unique and unforgettable.
I know this had driven much of my life. My insecurities in friendships always come down to me not being on the top of their list. They always have a best friend or boyfriend, so I am the second choice, not special. Or work, in Minnesota, I wanted to be the favorite intern , and at the Phoenix Zoo conservation center, I suffered because I didn’t stand out in any way. I am sure you get the point.
The irony is, I am often put in positions where I am unseen, forgotten, or overlooked. Perhaps this pattern has caused my pride in this area to flourish, rather than diminish. Yes, I realize it now and I’ve started to make a change.
Nowhere are we told we will be seen as special to others. We are precious to Christ, but to humans, nah. Jesus was perfect, and the definition of special, yet look at His life. He was forgotten, invisible at times, yet He was always doing the Father’s will.
So now, I try no to strive to be special, but just go through my day seeking His will, His control. When I start to feel hurt or insecure about being overlooked or out competed, I remind myself that my being overlooked is in God’s control. Even this could be to His glory and worrying about being special just allows the enemy to damage His work in me and others.
Thus, I would rather be an invisible, average, overlooked person, glorifying the Lord, than a stand out, favorite person, who thinks mostly of herself.