Seen or Forgotten?

I’ve never thought myself a prideful person. Sure, I have my moments of confidence and pride; proud of a story I wrote, proud of my kindness towards others, but if someone had asked me whether I have a pride problem, I would have said no.

As usual, the Lord revealed huge things to me while I was in a new environment. He showed me that one of my greatest desires and motivators is to be special. I want desperately to stand out, to be seen as important and special in some way. I want to be remembered.

The unfortunate thing is, the Bible does speak about being set apart, chosen, alien, different, and church people always talk about how someone will come up to them and say, “There’s something different about you.”

I found myself, at my job back in Colorado, wanting my coworkers and teen volunteers to see something in me; kindness, love, hilarity, anything that made me unique and unforgettable.

I know this had driven much of my life. My insecurities in friendships always come down to me not being on the top of their list. They always have a best friend or boyfriend, so I am the second choice, not special. Or work, in Minnesota, I wanted to be the favorite intern , and at the Phoenix Zoo conservation center, I suffered because I didn’t stand out in any way. I am sure you get the point.

The irony is, I am often put in positions where I am unseen, forgotten, or overlooked. Perhaps this pattern has caused my pride in this area to flourish, rather than diminish. Yes, I realize it now and I’ve started to make a change.

Nowhere are we told we will be seen as special to others. We are precious to Christ, but to humans, nah. Jesus was perfect, and the definition of special, yet look at His life. He was forgotten, invisible at times, yet He was always doing the Father’s will.

So now, I try no to strive to be special, but just go through my day seeking His will, His control. When I start to feel hurt or insecure about being overlooked or out competed, I remind myself that my being overlooked is in God’s control. Even this could be to His glory and worrying about being special just allows the enemy to damage His work in me and others.

Thus, I would rather be an invisible, average, overlooked person, glorifying the Lord, than a stand out, favorite person, who thinks mostly of herself.

Dear Younger Me: A note on the 20’s

Dear Younger me,

The 20’s will be a difficult time. Whether you have your idea of a career, the perfect major or are completely undecided on all accounts, the 20’s will be a rough ride.

You might end up living with your parents for longer than you wish. Be humble and thankful for that.

You may submit resumes to job after job that you are extremely qualified for and yet get no interviews. Persevere and continue to learn and reapply. Nothing good comes easy.

You may start to see all your friends get engaged, become married, have children, while you remain single. Take advantage of that time: travel, make new friends, do things others can not as non single people. Don’t rush it and be patient.

You will feel lost. You won’t know what you’re doing most of the time and the future that looms a head of you will seem dark and daunting.

Bu listen to me:You will become more confident learning about yourself, solidifying your own qualities and beliefs that were fickle or wavering before.

You will become braver, facing challenges and fears that you could never have imagined, making you continuously feel as though you could do anything after facing that.

You will find dear friends. Some of these friendships will last a life time because they blossomed in the midst of a very unsure time in your life. Other friendships will be temporary, but God will have placed them in your life the exact moment you needed them and trust me, you will always remember them.

You will discover your passion or passions. You’ll learn what you hate ┬áto do: you hate file work, you hate camping, you don’t like working with people, you even hate staying out until midnight doing whatever your friends like to do. You’ll find that you love binge watching tv shows on your day off, walking outside every day, writing and journaling. Through this, you’ll find a career path even if it ends up changing again and again.

Your faith will grow immensely. Through so many trials, so much uncertainty, the loss of your childhood, transition after transition, you have no choice but to depend on the Lord. Depend on His plans which will almost always be a mystery to you. Depend on His control which may seem absent at times, but never the less, it’s always there. Depend on His hope which will keep you joyful and positive even in the most desperate of times. Depend on His faithfulness and constancy which you will desperately hold onto while friends come and go and your circumstances do not stay the same ever. And, above all depend on His love through the times you are lonely, moving to a new place, eating a lone, when you are single, wishing you had someone to share your highs and lows, as well as experiences with, then you are ultimately disappointed with people and life, you will learn to always turn to the Savior’s love which will hold you up in the worst of times.

So people will tell you the 20’s are fun, you make new friends, find the love of your life, live independently, start your career, etc. I’m sorry to say, they will be the toughest years of your life, but like a piece of clay that is being molded, shaped and then is put into a fiery kiln to be solidified, you having been shaped growing up, are in extreme circumstances, in that kiln, facing huge trials, but out of that, the clay takes shape, molded and healed into what your meant to look like.

So have hope my friend and I tell you this in the midst of my 20’s, jobless, far away from home, single, and living with my parents…..have hope!

Dear Younger Me…

There is a song by Mercy Me that has the line Dear Younger Me…

There is a novel called Letters to a Young Poet…

This has all started me on a journey of writing letters to my younger self or I may call it letters to a young christian woman. I think that I am actually making a book here, one filled with my own lessons, insecurities, passions, and wisdom. Here is one of my first letters….

Dear younger me,

Some mornings you will wake up, look at your reflection and see a loser. You’ll think how can anyone find you attractive or desirable in any way? And, no matter how you do your hair, what clothes you put on, and how much makeup you cake your beautiful face with, you will not feel good about who you are.

This, my dear, is insecurity. Insecurity will be a life long friend of yours that will continuously stab you in the back and drag you down. This is part of sin and your Savior will constantly help you fight it, speaking to you about how you are a princess, righteous, perfect, beautiful, and worth pursuing. Listen to Him!

But, as you grow older, you will have more days when you see your reflection and think, “Wow, I’m beautiful and I’m pretty cool too.” The devil will try to tell you this is pride and vanity, but let me tell you to embrace this increasing confidence.

Grab a hold of it and carry it throughout your day because that is Christ speaking to you! Telling you that you are all He created you to be!

So, go confidently and peacefully in that direction.